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Reading and How it Builds Social Skills

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People may not be aware, but there is a direct link between children’s ability to read and their social skills. Reading is all about letters, sounds, and words and is a solitary activity, so how could it help with social skills? Surprisingly, the answer is that it can benefit a child socially in myriad ways. Reading gives children access to a broader world than their own; it boosts their confidence, gives them something to discuss with their peers, and makes them more successful. Reading opens a series of social doors; let us take a more in-depth look at how and why reading is fundamental to a child’s social development.

Confidence

Children with strong reading skills tend to have more confidence, at least within the academic and school setting, where children spend most of their time.

Children who lack basic reading skills are more likely to:

  • Withdraw
  • Become aggressive
  • Be teased or bullied
  • Receive lower grades

When children possess appropriate reading skills for their age, they can:

  • Participate more in class discussions
  • Talk about stories and books with their friends
  • Pave the way for independent learning
  • Choose books on topics that appeal to them the most.

Even if your child is on the quiet or shy side in school, listening to the class discussions and realizing their understanding and comprehension align with the group or the teacher will boost their confidence!

Confidence in school also leads to engagement in more activities. For example, they may join the choir or the debate club or decide to write for the school paper or online journal. Confident children will develop more friendships and be more likely to try new things. When children feel confident, they will step outside their comfort zone from time to time, which will increase social experiences.

Empathy

Reading helps children develop a sense of empathy as they are exposed to characters, cultures, and ideas outside their experience. This is especially the case when they read literary fiction. Children’s books tend to feature characters experiencing strong emotions for one reason or another.

When children read about characters who are forced to go through these experiences, it requires them to further their thought processes.

Children will actively think and ask themselves questions such as:

  • “How might I handle this situation?”
  • “How would I feel if this happened to me?”
  • “How could I help if I saw someone having this problem?”

Parents and educators can further that development by asking open-ended questions while reading.

  • “How do you think she is feeling right now? Why?”
  • “What would you do if your friend said they didn’t want to play with you?”

. Questions like the above give children a chance to process their feelings and reactions.

Adults should be reading children’s books that contain:

  • social stories
  • friendship
  • teamwork
  • kindness
  • helping others
  • conflict resolution

These themes are especially beneficial in developing young children’s empathy; It is never too early to read to your child. Reading to children in infancy stimulates the part of their brain that processes and develops language.

Problem-Solving Skills

Children who are read to and who read are more adept at problem-solving skills. Dialogue and text within books show children appropriate and inappropriate ways to handle problems and conflict. Reading provides children with social competence, meaning they will learn how to react in certain social situations. Reading competence means that children are also better equipped to read social cues given by others. Similar to asking questions related to empathy, adults can ask children open-ended questions about the character’s solutions or reactions, such as:

  • “Do you think their behavior was OK?
  • Why or Why Not?”
  • “How would you react if another child took your toy?”

Asking open-ended questions requires children to expand their thinking and develop language and problem-solving skills. Therefore, it is always more beneficial to a child’s development to pose open-ended questions when possible. Since open-ended questions encourage children to include more information than closed questions, it requires them to think beyond the obvious.

Creates Questions

Reading with children creates an opportunity for them to ask their own questions about the world. They may have no experience with someone being unkind to them and may have never seen people who look or dress differently. They may have no fundamental concept of the world outside their neighborhood, city block, or small town.

The more that children have access to the outside world, the more they grow socially. There is the old phrase “Knowledge is Power,” and reading is an example where that phrase is one hundred percent relevant. More knowledge about the outside world gives children the power to make their own decisions and opinions about that world. When they are enticed and encouraged to ask questions and seek further understanding, they create a larger, more socially diversified world to live in for themselves.

Adults should encourage children to ask questions while reading. Constant interruptions can become frustrating, but these interruptions are how a child makes sense of the story. If the questions become so frequent you can barely read a sentence, try to have them wait until the end of a page to ask questions or make related statements. Asking questions is a way they can further their understanding and develop a larger schema on the topic at hand.

Communication Skills

Reading introduces children to language, which introduces them to basic communication skills. We all know that talking to infants and babies is how they learn a language, but if we only expose them to how we speak and use words, their communication skills will be limited. Children pick up new information quickly and then try it out in various situations to see how it works.

Young children will repeat phrases they’ve heard adults use or heard in movies and books. How often have you observed a little one looking at a familiar book and attempting to repeat the dialogue or narration accompanying that text? The more children are read to, and the more they read themselves, the more their lexicon will grow as they absorb and audition new language skills.

The more words a child has at their disposal, the better they will be able to communicate, which in turn means the better their social skills will be. Strong communication skills are at the crux of strong social skills. Communication, language, and social skills are what set humans apart from other animals. The human ability to share everyday experiences, emotions, and experiences through language creates our communities, friendships, and bonds.

Any and every chance you get to read to your child, you should take it! It doesn’t have to be long and involve storybooks or famous children’s books. Anything you read to them will benefit them. If your child loves dinosaurs and wants to read about nothing but dinosaurs, you’d be surprised at how many dinosaur books are out there! Social stories, fiction, and non-fiction dinosaurs that talk, and dinosaurs that go to school. Children’s books run the gamut of themes, topics, and characters. Just read. Read, encourage questions, ask questions, and have discussions. Every interaction a child has with a book will benefit them socially.

It’s OK to Get Upset

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As long as I have been a part of the early childhood education world, the following phrase has been a part of it: You get what you get, and you don’t get upset. 

I don’t know when parents and educators started using this phrase, but can we please stop?

Not only is it dismissive to the child aka you’re feelings don’t matter but more and more research indicates the importance of teaching children how to express and handle their emotions. When we teach children about their emotions, we give them the power of expression and self, and we start letting them know their mental health and well-being are just as important as their physical well-being.

I understand what the phrase is trying to do; it’s saying, whatever happens, it’s going to be ok, but to blatantly and repeatedly tell children they cannot get upset is ridiculous; it’s also not human.

We get upset. I get upset. One day years ago, when I was teaching four-and-five-year-olds, it was my day to be at the school early and open the classroom. On these days, I made a special stop at Starbucks and bought an expensive splurge drink. A parent who was in a rush asked if they could leave their child with me.  Even though I wasn’t clocked in yet and not even in my classroom, I was in the kitchen of the school enjoying my last moments of quiet before the crazy day began; I said yes. 

While in my hazy, still sleepy, somewhat-annoyed-that-the-parent-had-just-done-this-state, and trying to keep an eye on the kid while I got what I needed for the classroom snack that morning, I set my coffee down on an uneven surface and the entirety of my specialty, splurge coffee spilled on the floor. 

It wasn’t even 7 A.M. My once-a-week splurge lay on the floor (and I now had to clean it up). And I had a 4-year-old standing next to me. I vividly remember telling myself silently, “Don’t cry. Do not let this child see you cry over a spilled coffee.” Honestly I wanted to have a tantrum.

So why didn’t I have a tantrum? Well, I came close, but I didn’t because I had learned how to process and handle strong emotions. We need to teach our children that it is OK to be upset when something negative happens, but how you respond that matters.

When I was teaching and passing things out, I would always shorten it to “You get what you get.” There was always at least one child in the class who would then say, “and you don’t get upset.” When that happened, I would look at them and say, “It’s ok to be upset when you don’t get what you want; what’s important is how you handle it.” Pay attention to that second part – it is OK to get upset when you don’t get what you want.

I have been performing in theater and music nearly my entire life, which means there are countless times I didn’t get the part or the solo I auditioned for and wanted. Do you know how many times I was upset I didn’t get the part I wanted? EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Of course I was upset! But here’s what I didn’t do. I didn’t go on social media and bash everyone involved with the show. I didn’t scream and throw things. I didn’t swear off doing theater ever again. 

I talked to a friend or my mom. I went and did something I enjoyed like reading a book.  I took a walk and listened to music. I enjoyed a glass (or two) of wine. I took a bubble bath. The point is I found ways to work through my disappointment and move on. These are the skills we need to be teaching our kids. Go ahead and have your disappointment, but let’s figure out the best way to handle it.

There are times I cried and times I didn’t. There are times it took me a few weeks to get over the disappointment and times it only took a few hours, but I was still upset every single time; because I’m human. 

Is it appropriate for a ten-year-old to cry because their sibling got the last green Jolly Rancher?  In most cases, no; but they are allowed to be bummed out about it. Is it appropriate for a five-year-old to have a tantrum because their best friend got the sticker they wanted at circle time? Probably not, but if they do, we can use it as a teaching opportunity to find other ways to express disappointment.

It is rarely a healthy option to tell kids “Don’t cry” because it is another way of telling them their emotions are not valid, but sometimes it can be hard not to roll our adult eyes and think, “Really? He’s crying because Godzilla is no longer on Amazon Prime?” (And yes, my son did this. So what I like to do instead is say, “It is ok to be upset, but Is this situation worth your tears?” Phrasing things in this way makes children slow down and evaluate their responses.

We can help our children process big emotions and disappointments by using phrases like:

  • I see you’re really upset right now. Would you like some space?
  • This seems to be making you sad. Do you want to talk about it?
  • It is ok to be angry, but it is not OK to hurt people or things.
  • You seem worried. Would you like me to sit with you?
  • I am not sure what is bothering you, but I am here if you want to talk.

The more we as adults recognize and discuss emotions, the more our children will understand them. Like language and social interactions, children learn about handling emotions from the adults surrounding them.

If a child grows up in a house where anger is considered “bad,” they may have trouble processing feelings of anger because they believe it makes them bad. We must also avoid assigning emotions to genders. For example, if children hear that crying and whining is what girls do and boys should be strong and fearless, then we are assigning weakness as feminine, but we are telling our boys that they have to be brave all the time. 

Fear is another normal and completely biological response in many situations; fear is what kept our early ancestors alive. They needed to know when to run, when to fight, and when to hide too, survive. 

Emotions need just to be emotions—all normal and all OK.

Children should be learning self-awareness and understanding of their own emotions, regulating and controlling those emotions, learning to understand what is essential and what is not (AKA is this situation worth your tears?), and reading and understanding emotions in others. 

We do this when we allow children to see our emotions and emotional process and demonstrate how to handle disappointing and upsetting situations. Teaching emotional intelligence puts our children in the driver’s seat of their mental well-being and teaches them how to problem-solve and self-soothe. 

So, teach your kids you get what you get, and you CAN get upset. But also teach them that a tantrum over a Jolly Rancher probably isn’t worth the energy spent, and if you take the red one, at least you still got candy! More importantly, you’re helping them process their emotions and how to handle things independently so that when they are thrity they don’t have a melt down over spilled coffee.

Solid Gold Poop or how my son’s potty training cost me $14,000

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Have you ever cried because someone wouldn’t poop in a toilet?  I am guessing that the answer for the average person is no.  If your answer happens to be yes, then I honestly hope your experience was nothing like mine.  I hope you have never lost all hope and sat on the floor of your bathroom and cried hysterically over someone not pooping.

My oldest son is a brilliant, funny, silly, athletic boy who loves all things reptile.  People who have met him in the last few years never believe me when I tell stories of what he was like from ages 3-6.  They think I am exaggerating and dramatic, and I know there have been a few people who just thought I outright made this shit up, no pun intended.  But I can guarantee you it was real.  I lived three years of potty-training hell and not to be glib about it, those were some of the darkest and most stressful years of my life. 

        Before I get into the nitty-gritty of the story, let’s talk about potty-training one of the hottest parenting topics.  EVERYBODY has an opinion on potty-training these days, and there are a lot of views to be had on the subject. One doesn’t even need to be a parent or early childhood teacher to tout their opinion.  I know people with no potty-training experience whatsoever who loved to make comments when I was going through this ordeal.  But here is the thing, every child is different.  Like other developmental skills, potty-training is not going to happen at the same time for everyone, there is no one size fits all approach.  Now, this is the part that really gets under my skin, parent shaming.  No one has the right to shame a parent because their child is not potty trained.  No one gets to judge those parents or that child.  Also, the parent whose kid happens to potty train so cooperatively before 3 is not a genius or a super parent who gets to lord it over other kids and their parents. Their kid is not smarter or better than the kid who doesn’t make it there until later. 

        You should, by all means, be proud of your potty-trained child.  PLEASE be proud.  BE happy, be excited, enjoy life.  I give you license (not that you need my permission) to jump up and down, pop a bottle of champagne, and celebrate. It’s a significant accomplishment.  Just don’t use that accomplishment as a means to think that you or your child is better than anyone else.  I will step down off my soapbox now.

        The average age for a typically developed child is around 27-40 months.  First off, that is a big range.  Also read that first part again, go ahead, I’ll wait.  Typically Developed are the keywords.  Turns out, mine wasn’t ready nor typically developed.  Question is how do you know if your child is ready?  You look for the signs of readiness.  The Mayo Clinic sites these (and I agree with them which is why I posted them)

 Is your child ready? Ask yourself:

Can your child walk to and sit on a toilet?

Can your child pull down his or her pants and pull them up again?

Can your child stay dry for up to two hours?

Can your child understand and follow basic directions?

Can your child communicate when he or she needs to go?

Does your child seem interested in using the toilet or wearing “big-kid” underwear?

If you answered mostly yes, your child might be ready. If you answered mostly no, you might want to wait — especially if your child is about to face a major change, such as a move or the arrival of a new sibling. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/infant-and-toddler-health/in-depth/potty-training/art-20045230

  *During this process, we threw both those things in his direction.

        I presented all this background knowledge so that my story makes more sense.  So, after much ado, here we go.  As mentioned in a previous post, my second son was born exactly two weeks after my oldest turned 3.  MAJOR CHANGE in his life.  Huge, wrecking ball, gorillas in the camp style change.  We didn’t know at the time that he would be diagnosed with anxiety a little bit down the line.  We knew he had Sensory Processing Disorder. He had been seeing an occupational therapist and a speech therapist for about a year.  The anxiety was a curveball we weren’t expecting. 

  Until the age of three, his therapy was free through the Infant and Toddler program in the state of Illinois.  After three, we became private pay for the OT, and we could not afford it at the time, so we decided to drop it and do as much as we could at home.  Our income consisted of my meager salary as a pre-K teacher in a suburb outside the city and a living stipend received by my husband at the time who was in school. 

  The concept of potty training had been introduced but wasn’t going anywhere fast and then BAM! Regression took hold.  He refused anything and everything with the potty.  Ok, it’s cool, he’s barely three and has a newborn in the house.  We’ll pause for now.  Only the pause became almost 3 years of terror.  This is where it gets rough, so hold on…

        When the regression wouldn’t budge, and he was approaching four, we decided he needed help outside what we could do.  The pediatrician had no helpful advice, so we took him to a multi-discipline therapy office.  Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s time to pull out the calculator and start adding up the dollars.  For the next year, he visited this office, during which he received the diagnosis of anxiety coupled with his SPD.  I don’t remember how often he went, but I believe it was twice a month.  These visits were roughly $150 apiece.  No insurance accepted, but they were good, and it was convenient to my work.   So after about 10 months of bi-weekly visits, our price tag is at $3,000.  The good news was that this $3,000 achieved peeing in the potty and little to no more accidents in that realm.  The poop…. Well, we are about to reach a new level.

        I am going to pause for a moment so you can try to understand what was going on inside this little four-year-old body and mind.  Life was confusing, new brother, and less mommy time.  He feared the toilet, common among young children, especially those loud flushes. Lastly, because of the SPD, he could not make sense of the urge to go.  His brain was literally unable to process the message from his body that he needed to pee.  On top of that, he is dealing with anxiety.  I have anxiety, and I can barely handle it at times, and I am almost 40.  That’s a lot to have to deal with at 4. 

  Now that we have fully trained in pee, we were told no more pull-ups during the day.  This would be fine except he would not poop in a toilet, nor did he wait until the evening when his sleep pull-up was on to go.  He would simply poop in his pants.  Usually, several times a day.  That meant several changes of clothing each day.  Because his bladder would also often release, he would be in urine-soaked pants as well. Most of the underwear couldn’t be saved.  I estimate I spent roughly $500 on underwear during this phase.  New total $3,500

        The anxiety created two outcomes; he would be playing and wouldn’t tell me he had gone resulting in poop being caked all over his legs and bottom, or if we were out in public, he would hide from me.  Now my anxiety took over.  I would turn around in Target or the park, and he would be gone.  My heart jumped into my throat every time.  To make it worse, I couldn’t just run all overlooking for him, I had a baby with me.  If you do not know what it is like to be afraid and feel fear every time you take your small child out in public, then I genuinely hope you never do. 

        The multiple accidents meant that in addition to carrying the standard supplies I needed for a baby while out, I had to carry at least 2 pairs of pants and underwear for him plus extra wipes.  I changed my son’s poop-filled undies and pants pretty much anywhere you can imagine, and none of them were pleasant.  At 4, he was way too big for a changing table, and even if he could fit up there, how humiliating for him.  I’d find the most private place I could, always grateful when a public restroom was nearby, and I would kneel on the floor as he stood so I could clean him.  Each time I would gently talk to him about using the potty to poop just like he did to pee.  But no change happened. 

  The frustration for me was mounting.  I loved this child so much, but how much more was I expected to take?  I often cried when I was in private.  I spent hours furiously searching the internet for other moms like me. Those searches usually found those individuals who thought they were the gods of potty training, making me believe I was a terrible failure, and something was incredibly wrong with my son.  I seemed to be alone in this battle.  I could not find another mom who really got what I was going through.  Looking back, I know this isn’t true; but at the time, my heart was bleeding.

  Just after he turned 5, and was still not pooping in the potty, we left Chicago and came to Maryland.  He was supposed to start Kindergarten in the fall, but he wasn’t fully potty-trained, and the move regressed him again.  The accidents became more frequent.  There was no way in good conscious I could put this struggling boy in the public-school system yet.  I had secured a job at a childcare center as an Assistant Director, and in the fall, he would begin there and do another year of Pre-K.  So now we add $7,500 to the total bringing us to $11,000.

        I want to thank the amazing, loving, caring Pre-K teachers he had at both schools who never made him feel ashamed, helped protect his privacy, and loved him through those two years.  Each and every one of you is amazing.

        Once in Maryland, I immediately sought out a therapist, and he still sees this amazing woman.  Originally it was not covered under the insurance we had, so now we tack on another $600 until insurance kicked in.  So, $11,600.  His new therapist got him, she still gets him, and she has been the single most influential person in this ordeal.  Because of his ridiculously high IQ, normal prizes and incentives didn’t work for him.  You couldn’t use reverse psychology (which is mostly how his brother was trained, him never one to lose a challenge), my older son needed more.  Finally, he started to go on the potty once in a while.  Dare my heart to believe this was happening?  Now his therapist suggested a big prize, what was the thing he most loved in the world.   His answer to her was Disney World.  So even though it had been less than a year since we took a trip there, that became the incentive.  I did not care at this point.  I did not care that we had just had a vacation there less than a year ago.  I made a huge colorful chart with Disney stickers on it, and 100 spaces clearly labeled and hung it on his door.  If he pooped in the potty 100 times, we would go.  And he did.  So we did. Total now $14,000. 

        Thinking about all of this now and writing it down, for the first time, is cathartic.  I’ve tried to talk to people about it, but I find most people don’t get how truly horrible this was for me.  My heart still beats a little bit faster. I still feel the anguish of that poor mom dreading a trip to Target, the mom who struggled to find swim diapers that fit so he could play in the water and the one crying her heart out sitting on a bathroom floor.  My son caught me one time, I thought he had gone back to his room to play, but he must have heard me and came back.  He asked, very quietly, “Why are you crying, Mommy?” I looked at him, and as calmly as I could, I said, “Because you won’t poop in the potty.”  He gave me a hug and went back to playing.  From time to time, he will say, “Hey Mom, remember that time you cried because I wouldn’t poop in the potty?”  I typically smile and say something like, “I do, I was very frustrated, but now it’s no big deal!” but inside, I am thinking, “Yes sweetheart, I do, I cried so many times.  I thought I was worthless and failing you, and I stressed beyond belief on a daily basis, but I loved you so much, which is why I did what I did and went through all of it”. 

        He is the most amazing child, who now, like a proper nine-year-old, drives me nuts for ordinary things.  I hate that his journey and mine had to be what it was, but he is happy and healthy. I have finally been able to tell someone, you, about what I went through, maybe one day I’ll even be able to laugh about it… but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

100th Poop Trip March 2017

An Embarrassment on Two Wheels

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My children don’t know how to ride a bike.  If it comes up in conversation with other parents, I just stay quiet and nod like I’m part of bike society.  I feel guilty about this; I harbor a secret shame.  But… I don’t feel guilty enough to change it.  My oldest son was born in Washington, D.C.  We lived there until he was 14 months old.  Then we moved to Chicago, where my husband at the time had been admitted to medical school.  A year and a half later, my second son was born almost three years to the day from big brother.  They celebrate their birthdays exactly two weeks apart (Amazon and Target love me and my wallet each spring). 

I tell you all this because, for four years, we lived in a 3rd story walk-up. A third story walk-up with insultingly small stairs which twisted and turned like you were trying to reach a princess in a tower.  Except there was no princess at the top, just a stressed-out mom whose hair was too short to be of use to anyone attempting to climb up because, in a fit of insanity, she decided a pixie cut would be a great idea, then spent the next several years attempting to grow it out and not look like she had a mullet.  To help you get an even better mental picture here’s more.  It was a third-floor walk-up that I had to climb up with a toddler, a frequently moody toddler.  Then it became a third-floor walk-up while I was pregnant and with a two-year-old and then lastly a third floor walk-up with a threenanger and a newborn to become moody toddler by the time we moved out.  To top it off, this was a tiny, but nice two-bedroom condo with no storage.  There was nowhere to store a bike if even if I had the motivation to teach them, which I repeat, I did not.  We did, however, purchase a middle of the line Lightening McQueen scooter for my older son’s third birthday.  Being the perfectionist that he is, he tried it once, it wouldn’t go, so he got off and kicked it.  He began to stomp away, arms crossed and all, realized it didn’t fall over, walked back, and kicked it again.  To this day, it is one of the most hysterical things I’ve seen him do.  Every year when the video pops up on my memory feed, I watch it several times, it truly never gets old.  Eventually, he does try it again and makes progress. 

But back to bike riding.  With absolutely nowhere to store a bike, we never bought one.  Did I mention that roughly 6 months out of the year, the sidewalks and streets in Chicago are covered with ice, sleet, snow, or slush?  Sometimes it’s all four at once.  Once my husband graduated, he secured a job in Maryland outside of Washington, D.C. We could no longer afford to live in an even halfway decent D.C. neighborhood, so we settled in Annapolis.  We found a townhouse to rent; an entire 3 floors and 4 bedrooms.  It felt like the Taj Mahal.  Now, finally, we could buy him a bike, and we did, the first Christmas we lived there.  He was ecstatic when he saw it under the tree. Yet, again, upon the initial attempt, he wasn’t perfect, and he quickly lost interest.  By this point, at age 5, he had been diagnosed with anxiety, and we often chose not to push him on things for fear of triggering a meltdown. 

Looking back, there are times I wish we pushed him more and weren’t so scared of upsetting him, but as they say, hindsight is always 20/20.  He never asked again to learn to ride, and eventually, the bike rusted up and was thrown away.  A few years later, he received a skateboard from his Aunt and Uncle for Christmas. It fills me with joy to report that he has become more than proficient on the skateboard.  Since he never learned to ride a bike, little brother never learned, and the years have just kept slipping by.  They’re both young, they could learn, but if I’m being honest, I continue to lack the desire to teach them.  I often see the neighborhood kids out and riding, and I feel that guilt rush over me. 

Have I deprived my children of an essential rite of passage?  I have vivid memories of my dad running behind me, wearing his aviator sunglasses, and I decked out in an 80’s glory romper and tassels on my handlebars.  Shouldn’t’ my kids have that too?  But I’ve given them other experiences.  I’ve taken them to dance class, Broadway and community theater productions, nature hikes, trips to the zoo (so many trips to the zoo), museums, roller skating, ice skating (ok this one ended in stitches one time), playgrounds, botanical gardens, Disney World (more times than most people consider acceptable) and the list could go on.  Maybe every kid doesn’t need to ride a bike.  Maybe not teaching them to ride doesn’t rank me among America’s Worst Moms.  Even so, I’m not telling anyone my kids can’t ride a bike, it’ll be our little secret.