How often have we said or thought the following phrase about someone else, “Do something, You’re the parent.” In our society, we love to judge other people, especially parents, and the way we all display our lives in public and on social media makes it extremely easy for others to judge and be judged.
I have done it, I am ashamed to admit, and it has been done to me; none of us are perfect, but it is imperative, now more than ever, that we stop judging, blaming, criticizing, and start helping one another.
Parenting is hard. It is really, really damn hard, and the truth is until the shoe is on your foot, you don’t know, and in reality, we can never wear another’s shoes. My six-year-old is not your six-year-old. The experiences that have shaped and guided me as a parent are not the same that have molded you.
We see a child acting up in public and the parent desperately pleading with them to calm down; we listen to a friend complain because for the third time this week their child isn’t attending her virtual classes, or we see an acquaintance on Facebook who is continually asking for help with their unruly toddler and your inner monologue goes – “Do something, you’re the parent!”
But at that moment, the parent IS doing something; they’re doing the best they can in that given moment. The friend complaining is reaching out. The acquaintance on Facebook is probably lonely and needs a space to vent, and the parent doing whatever it takes to get their child to stop screaming in the Target aisle may be overtired, overworked, spouse out of town, and they’re just done.
The kindest thing anyone has ever done for me in those moments of stress is giving me the “I’ve been there smile.” It has diffused so many horrible feelings that I have had about myself in the moment of thinking, “I am the worst parent ever.”
The sad thing is, all of us as parents assume that other parents are judging us, judging our kids, judging how well we handle our home-work balance. That assumption comes out of the fact that so many parents DO judge one another.
Wouldn’t it be lovely if instead of thinking, “I can’t take my kids to Target because I don’t want to face another judgy mom staring at me if there is a meltdown,” we could face the world knowing that those other moms and dads have our back?
And it’s not just behavioral issues we judge each other on; it’s whether or not you breastfeed, use cloth diapers, send your child to preschool or stay home, how many activities you have your kid signed up for, what activities you have your kid signed up, how the child is developing, and how “put together” you look, especially, as a mom.
If this pandemic has taught us nothing, I hope it teaches us to cut each other some slack. We have all been faced with this unique circumstance, and all had a taste of what our fellow moms and dads are going through. May our shared stress bring about a shared unity of the pitfalls of parenting.
You don’t have to like that your co-worker uses a dozen disposable diapers a day because you feel it is bad for the environment. Still, you can understand that it is her choice, and she made the best choice for her and her situation and respect that.
You don’t need to look your nose down at the stay-at-home mom who posts pictures of their child’s crafts each day because that is what makes her happy, and it’s her life, not yours; you can celebrate her happiness with her.
And if you don’t like the way the dad in the next aisle is giving in to his 5-year-old who is having a tantrum because he wants the sugary cereal, instead of rolling your eyes, give props to the dad who is spending time with his kid and taking him grocery shopping (maybe even so mom can get a well-deserved break).
So society, I present you with a challenge. The next time you’re out or on social media and see a parenting situation that makes those judging feelings begin to creep back in, put them on pause. And, instead of thinking the worst of that parent, give them some props. A smile, a thumbs-up emoji, or a “stay strong momma, you’ve got this” can go a long way in making a stressed-out parent’s day and may just give them the boost of confidence and positivity they needed.